Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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