Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
