my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
