Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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