Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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