The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm gonna fight the coyote
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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