No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
