If i come over, it means nothing
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
