just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
