You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
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I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
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I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize