my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
