If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
