So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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