Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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