I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
