I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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