I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
