listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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