I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
