proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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