I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
