I'm going to jail i love you
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
