I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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