Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
