dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
