i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
