dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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