dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
