just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
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All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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