Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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