literally had 100 drinks last night.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I pour the whiskey from now on
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
