I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
you inspire me to be a worse person
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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