There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
