Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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