why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
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