take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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