i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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