Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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