Just took my morning after pill in the library
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
