you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
