He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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