perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
