and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
