That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
