I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
