You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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