based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
