Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
