Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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