I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
