i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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