Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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