If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
