One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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