just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I would fuck him just for his dog
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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